Life is getting faster and faster. I was going to delay this post and thinking to write a longer one for the end of the year. But there are still a couple of hours left before starting to plan what to bring back to London, after almost two months here at home, and it feels like I should open a txt file and let it flow.
Life’s reached a whole new level of complexity, but I’m getting better at life, or at least I feel like that. It still hurts trying to write about those first days of this year. It was very cold and I was trying to warm my heart up by getting attached to a girl who was living on the fifth sixth floor of a brown building in north-east. It’s always surprising how irrationally those love things work. There were no reasons to get so much into her. But is there ever a reason?
Bad marks came with the worst timing. My heart was broken and my mind felt like falling into the abyss. I felt terrible and didn’t go to school for two weeks.
It was very hard, and I still remember that pain in my chest that lasted for months. A nice guy didn’t give up on me. He kept popping up in my studio, sharing nice words. I’m thankful to him.
In the meantime, I moved to a new house, closer to college. It was still very cold outside and even if it wasn’t easy to get used to my new small room, that house felt warm. I had terrible nights there, and one night I broke down in tears on my pillow. I thought that if she wanted to be my friend for real as she said, she wouldn’t let me cry that way. I stopped talking to her. and didn’t see her at school that much anymore.
Talking to the new flatmate felt nice. I kept going to the studio everyday, even if it seemed impossible to get rid of that pain. I felt very lost. My art practice was totally overlapping my private life, invading my thoughts at any time of the day. Then, an unexpected email hit my inbox. It was an invitation to a reading group. On Postinternet. Texts attached.
The general ignorance surrounding Postinternet in my course started to make me feel frustrated. I remembered that one of the things I wanted to do at Goldsmiths was to figure out what Postinternet was and I realized that I had kind of put myself in the position of waiting for some great mind to enlighten me. But the more I was waiting the more those answers were not coming to me. One day I took a deep breath and finally accepted that responsibility. No other chance.I became the postinternet guy of the course. Head down, I read a lot.
I went to the reading group, met some old friends and had a nice chat at the pub. Words started to finally make sense. That night, without even noticing it, I started to fight back depression. There was still a long way in front of me, but on a sleepless night not long after that day, some old thoughts finally got into an order. I was about to write my first essay on Evangelion and Tumblr. It was a relief.
It was still hard, though. But being more aware of what I was pursuing in my art made me feel less helpless and I could start to enjoy the talent of my fellow students again. The upcoming spring and those slanting sun rays that hit the wooden floor in a late Thursday afternoon gave a tiny sparkling light back to my eyes.
I can’t remember exactly why I printed sunset skies on silk. And don’t know exactly why Andrea came to my studio that day. Don’t know exactly where I found the strength to get out of the studio and start to go to openings again. Don’t remember exactly how that bad time ended. But it did.
At the end of the second conference of workshops I still didn’t have many clues, but that day a better time was about to start. I had written a draft for a research essay that put down in words thoughts that I have had in my mind for years. And I didn’t take any break during Easter holidays. I thought that it could be the right moment to work even harder. I carefully planned everything ahead and worked non-stop for four weeks.
When the following term began, tutorials started to go better. And I received an invitation to be part of a show. One day, Andrea told me something that sounded pretty much like this: you’ve put your roots down and been quiet for a while, now that the spring sun is rising you’re starting to blossom.
When I felt that things were getting better I just kept going. But today, what pushed me to write something before going back to London is that, so far, everything went so fast that I couldn’t really make my mind up on how I managed to overcome that hardcore depression, turning it into a series of pictures of the sunset on my and my friends Instagram.
I think it might have started with some group tutorial, or maybe at some party at school but not really cuz I was always avoiding them. Maybe going to openings with friends from the course, who brought some other friend, I dunno. Maybe exploring the Instagram thing and trying to be smiling and it just happened, you know, it’s London, it’s about chatting with strangers all the time.
Ohh wait..!! I remember now. It’s like things happened when I went to pee behind that church. I remember now! Talented, funny and smiling guys. I started to call them friends! That was the moment when I thought that, in some way, I could manage to survive.
This is how it went.
I went to the postinternet reading group and talked to Paolo and Marialaura
felt amazed by Frederique’s talent in putting together the delusion of the detail performance
was invited to take part to 6pm YLT
documented my palm trees piece and heard nice words from Roel
went to The Sunday Painter and felt surrounded by the warm hearts of the Rietveld crew
had studio visit with Attilia
went to the Seventeen chatting and instagramming with Saemi
went to vegetarian barbecues in the park right behind home
danced like crazy with Sam Smith in Angel
went to the RCA degree show with second year’s
and then the interim was ready.
I felt the best that night.
I felt totally happy.
and like I achieved my goal at 400%.
Three days after, it was at the graduation show opening night that I saw that girl again. She wasn’t alone. They were high on drugs and disgusting.
It didn’t feel totally right and I soon left the party. My mind was already on something else. My first show in London outside of college was coming in a week.
It didn’t feel totally right and I soon left the party. My mind was already on something else. My first show in London outside of college was coming in a week.
Thinking about the show, now I can really see how much my friends supported me that night. Once again, their warm hearts managed to turn my unstable emotional mood into good memories.
But right after the opening, I felt exhausted as never before. Never wanted to go back home so much. It looked like I achieved every single thing I wanted from my first year at Goldsmiths. But no energy was left. The day after I had a pizza, packed my luggage, wore my hoodie and took a plane.
Time has gone by very quick here at home and that great feeling of being back didn’t last long. I love the quietness of hearing the wind blowing through the leaves in my garden. But I also love waking up in Milano, looking down from the window singing 883 with Clara. At the same time, I love everything I left in London, because only there my art can fully make sense. Everywhere I am there’s always something missing. But actually, I’m not craving for a perfect place, so probably, what I’m missing is something else.
There must be an airport not far from my house. I see so many airplanes taking off and landing every day. But when I look up, instead of the sky there’s always a thick grey curtain of clouds and the only bright things I can see are those lights at the tip of airplanes wings.
It was back in April, I think, one night I was on my way back from school, probably stayed at the studio till late, tired and hungry, I heard the sound of airplane engines right above my head. But that night, when I looked up, the sky was clear and I saw a plane flying and all around it a bunch of sparkling stars. I just like to think that in some way, I managed to put my ass on one of those fucking planes and it is going towards those bright stars, because yes, I still dream to be one of those stars one day, and I never felt so close to them as I feel right now.
